Forgive me

Today i had the most beautiful moment with my sister..
She was telling me how the Lord has intervened and changeh her so much..

i feel so lukewarm in my faith..

i can't deny i feel grateful for all that the Lord has done for me but somehow i just do not feel the Lord's presence or even enjoy it as i used to

i feel half hearted all the time
n then i realised because i am still clinging to my old ways..

Part of me is still loving the sinful pleasures my life is giving although in my mind i do not see anything morally wrong with whatsoever i am doing

Still there is no peace or motivation for me
I find i want to daydream about everything and i am getting lazier and lazier

Sometimes i feel like all i look forward to is fun and although i am not engaging in any lustful relationships, my heart and mind tells me that i am longing even for one sometime

The worst thing is i am taking God for granted and i am living life as if i want to be in control

I always tell myself i need to change but half of me does not want to give up so many things that seems like fun especially alcohol and pubs, parties etc...

Slowly, i begin to realise i am wasting my time away with all these things..

My sister's conversion of heart makes me realise that our life on earth is but only temporary..my life's mission should be solely for God and not feasting upon the thirst of my flesh

Yes, what does it matter whether i am successful in the eyes of the world?

I am so fickle minded and i am so confusing to myself all the time. i change my mind so many times and i know i love too many things in love but who knows? they could be for the wrong reasons..

i have been jumping around from one relationship to another because i am afraid of commiting to one person for fear of being controlled or perhaps deep inside me, i am so utterly lonely..

I never totally commit myself to one thing in everything that i do and even in choosing my career..after so many years, i am still fighting my conscience and contemplating again and again what am i good at at..

i always want to take the easy way out..it scares me on my lack of motivation in life to the point that all i can think of is just to sleep or have fun..

I dream big dreams yet i can't be bothered to even do anything. I procrastinate all the time and it is getting worse by day.

Lord, change and mould me.

Yesterday u have given me the most beautiful verse that i should remember with all my heart..

Deut 6:5-6
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength...

It is short but it says a lot..i will listen to u my God, i will seek u everyday with all my heart...

and today u have given me another verse..

Ephesians 1:4
He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love.

Help me to cling to what is good and keep myself pure. Lord, help me to separate myself from anything that is not holy. I don't want to waste my life on things that have no value.

You have saved me from surrendering my soul to sin, and you have restored me yet i am still so ungrateful and blind to see..
You have cleanse me and saved me from destruction yet i continue to indulge in the sins of the flesh.

Forgive father and create a clean heart in me...change me and make me anew..
Teach me your ways even when it seems so hard for me to grasp
Never give up on me my Lord..
When i have strayed so far, bring me back with whatsoever ways you can my Lord and never let me judge with my eyes but o that you may judge for me
Open the doors that you want me to enter but close the doors that you would not want me to venture into..
Break me and let me die in myself so that you can live through me..
I love you papa...bless me..
alleluia!! Amen..

After so long...
It has been like almost two years now..
Time has been passing by so fast..
i can't believe i am looking back..
I was looking back at those emails he sent me when he was back there..
i thought i might never feel anything anymore..
Yet, funny how it still touched me..
Had i not set my heart on things more physical, i might have waited..
I told myself again and again i am far off better without him but deep in my heart, a space carved out for him still resides there..
i had been trying to bury this part of my history into the deepest caverns in my soul but somehow these few days it starts to emerge again..
i cant understand why..
He is far beyond where i can reach..
He is all the way across the oceans in another continent..
i sometimes ponder upon the very reasons i had resentments on him..
the fact that i spent so much on him, the fact that i wasted so much time on him..
But all other reasons had prompted me to..
and when i looked back, the very huge reason was love..
i was madly in love with him ..
He was the first person that i could somehow feel so comfortable to be with..
A guy who knows his way around the house
Though he might not be as ambitious as what i see in other guys, the very fact that he was more laidback enticed me..
i sometimes wonder why i let it all go and settle for an infatuation which turned out to be even more sinful?
as much as i said i had let it all go, the very fact that just an sms still put my heart on such a tender mode just made me wonder if i ever will..
i always thought i will never really put myself in such a way for any other guys was due to the fact that i am just not interested but when i think about it now...i know he still has a soft spot in my heart...
and it is so weird to declare, but in this safe mode where nobody knows who i am at all..i can clearly say i miss him still..
despite the fact that we have no communications face to face for two years..
despite the fact that i have dated so many other guys..
despite the fact that i wanted so many other things in life,
i somehow still long for him..
i somehow still hope one day we can meet..
i know it's impossible but who knows..

I pray my Father..
to take away any of these feelings if i shall see him no more
i pray my Lord to set me free from these emotions if He's not the one from you
I pray Prince of Heaven for the rightful guy in your time if ever you want marriage to be a part of my life..
i surrender everything to you my Lord
i don't want to wish and dream and hold on to my selfish desires but i want you to be Lord of my life, King of my soul..
i know that if it's your will for me to be reunited with him somehow, you will see that it happens...i leave all these into your hands my papa..
i love u and i need you..
bless me Father..