After so long...
It has been like almost two years now..
Time has been passing by so fast..
i can't believe i am looking back..
I was looking back at those emails he sent me when he was back there..
i thought i might never feel anything anymore..
Yet, funny how it still touched me..
Had i not set my heart on things more physical, i might have waited..
I told myself again and again i am far off better without him but deep in my heart, a space carved out for him still resides there..
i had been trying to bury this part of my history into the deepest caverns in my soul but somehow these few days it starts to emerge again..
i cant understand why..
He is far beyond where i can reach..
He is all the way across the oceans in another continent..
i sometimes ponder upon the very reasons i had resentments on him..
the fact that i spent so much on him, the fact that i wasted so much time on him..
But all other reasons had prompted me to..
and when i looked back, the very huge reason was love..
i was madly in love with him ..
He was the first person that i could somehow feel so comfortable to be with..
A guy who knows his way around the house
Though he might not be as ambitious as what i see in other guys, the very fact that he was more laidback enticed me..
i sometimes wonder why i let it all go and settle for an infatuation which turned out to be even more sinful?
as much as i said i had let it all go, the very fact that just an sms still put my heart on such a tender mode just made me wonder if i ever will..
i always thought i will never really put myself in such a way for any other guys was due to the fact that i am just not interested but when i think about it now...i know he still has a soft spot in my heart...
and it is so weird to declare, but in this safe mode where nobody knows who i am at all..i can clearly say i miss him still..
despite the fact that we have no communications face to face for two years..
despite the fact that i have dated so many other guys..
despite the fact that i wanted so many other things in life,
i somehow still long for him..
i somehow still hope one day we can meet..
i know it's impossible but who knows..

I pray my Father..
to take away any of these feelings if i shall see him no more
i pray my Lord to set me free from these emotions if He's not the one from you
I pray Prince of Heaven for the rightful guy in your time if ever you want marriage to be a part of my life..
i surrender everything to you my Lord
i don't want to wish and dream and hold on to my selfish desires but i want you to be Lord of my life, King of my soul..
i know that if it's your will for me to be reunited with him somehow, you will see that it happens...i leave all these into your hands my papa..
i love u and i need you..
bless me Father..