The Memory Keeper's Daughter

i just finished reading the memory keeper's daughter...
David died with a secret kept within him all his life, even till his deathbed..
i feel like him, carrying this secret with me, unable to tell anyone.
Sometimes the past haunts me and i don't dare to even think what will happen if anyone ever find out...
Even those whoknows just buries them back to the earth and never to be recovered again...
It must have been painful for her..
It must have been horrifyingly dreadful for her..
i cannot bear the thought of getting so close to anyone that i will be tempted to leak it out..
Anyone can talk, anyone can blabber
i remembered a teacher once told me, u have a cross to carry...
I wasnt quite sure what she was talking about but i kinda undestood now..
It striked me as clear as anything...
How i feel the pain and grief of the broken ones..
How i feel the pain of the lost soulS?

Just last2 nights, i was crying, crying and crying...
It was like i was mourning for the non existence dad, the fact i was a forbidden child, a child that has a father that is not supposed to be known to the world..i do not even dare to utter what he is or who he is...it is a dark secret that none shallever find out
i was mourning like a kid ...i was weeping like i needed some milk
i was crying and crying
but the Lord knows...
He feels my pain
He feels my guilt
He feels my longings
He spoke to me even before i asked..
He told me...to me n thru my sister..."Weeping endures only for a night, but joy comes in the morning"
and then i know everything shall pass...
I shall no longer weep
I shall no longer hunger and thirst
For my God is with me ALL THE TIME..
i can feel him watching over me as i sit her and type..
i feel like a kid that playing with her daddy watching over her...
i feel like a new bride with her newly wed husband protecting her...
That is the beauty of my God
and then i realise, the beauty of my brokenness...
He will never forsake me ...
I know that...and i can feel the peace that holds ...
I can feel his words coming alive ...the bible are his words..the bible is the memory keeper...
I am th memory keeper's daughter...

Will i ever?

Growing up without him, it feels almost natural not to feel his existence at all but little did i know his nonexistence in my life has contributed to so many loopholes, heartaches and misbehaviours.
Majority of my mindset is largely due to the influence that the very fact that he is never there and will never be...
It wasn't easy
I have practically lived all my life living as if i never knew him and would never want to though i know deep inside, i do long to at least see him or embrace him..
i must say i am so thankful and blessed to have so many people showering me with love that i can never comprehend yet part of me feels that part will never be reached.
Though i tell myself again and again, that part is healed yet it resurfaces every time...
It creeps up again and again whenever i think of me
To the outside world, i am but a happy chirpy blur bubbly girl but deep down, whenever im in closed doors, i am a confused soul living in tears..
I want to just move on and dance away from the wall but i can't ..
I feel her pain and i feel the burden of her cross not bearing just one but the two of us...
It is so heavy
i feel obliged
i feel like such a burden
i feel like an accident yet God is so GOOD to me
Yet i run and run all the time..
Will i ever meet him?
He is far beyond ordinary people's reach..
Perhaps i shall meet him in heaven some day
i don't know
I wouldn't know how to react
I don't want to hurt her by meeting him
i love her so much
She has given so so much for me
Yet a small part just wish i can call Papa...

Forgive me

Today i had the most beautiful moment with my sister..
She was telling me how the Lord has intervened and changeh her so much..

i feel so lukewarm in my faith..

i can't deny i feel grateful for all that the Lord has done for me but somehow i just do not feel the Lord's presence or even enjoy it as i used to

i feel half hearted all the time
n then i realised because i am still clinging to my old ways..

Part of me is still loving the sinful pleasures my life is giving although in my mind i do not see anything morally wrong with whatsoever i am doing

Still there is no peace or motivation for me
I find i want to daydream about everything and i am getting lazier and lazier

Sometimes i feel like all i look forward to is fun and although i am not engaging in any lustful relationships, my heart and mind tells me that i am longing even for one sometime

The worst thing is i am taking God for granted and i am living life as if i want to be in control

I always tell myself i need to change but half of me does not want to give up so many things that seems like fun especially alcohol and pubs, parties etc...

Slowly, i begin to realise i am wasting my time away with all these things..

My sister's conversion of heart makes me realise that our life on earth is but only temporary..my life's mission should be solely for God and not feasting upon the thirst of my flesh

Yes, what does it matter whether i am successful in the eyes of the world?

I am so fickle minded and i am so confusing to myself all the time. i change my mind so many times and i know i love too many things in love but who knows? they could be for the wrong reasons..

i have been jumping around from one relationship to another because i am afraid of commiting to one person for fear of being controlled or perhaps deep inside me, i am so utterly lonely..

I never totally commit myself to one thing in everything that i do and even in choosing my career..after so many years, i am still fighting my conscience and contemplating again and again what am i good at at..

i always want to take the easy way out..it scares me on my lack of motivation in life to the point that all i can think of is just to sleep or have fun..

I dream big dreams yet i can't be bothered to even do anything. I procrastinate all the time and it is getting worse by day.

Lord, change and mould me.

Yesterday u have given me the most beautiful verse that i should remember with all my heart..

Deut 6:5-6
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength...

It is short but it says a lot..i will listen to u my God, i will seek u everyday with all my heart...

and today u have given me another verse..

Ephesians 1:4
He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love.

Help me to cling to what is good and keep myself pure. Lord, help me to separate myself from anything that is not holy. I don't want to waste my life on things that have no value.

You have saved me from surrendering my soul to sin, and you have restored me yet i am still so ungrateful and blind to see..
You have cleanse me and saved me from destruction yet i continue to indulge in the sins of the flesh.

Forgive father and create a clean heart in me...change me and make me anew..
Teach me your ways even when it seems so hard for me to grasp
Never give up on me my Lord..
When i have strayed so far, bring me back with whatsoever ways you can my Lord and never let me judge with my eyes but o that you may judge for me
Open the doors that you want me to enter but close the doors that you would not want me to venture into..
Break me and let me die in myself so that you can live through me..
I love you papa...bless me..
alleluia!! Amen..

After so long...
It has been like almost two years now..
Time has been passing by so fast..
i can't believe i am looking back..
I was looking back at those emails he sent me when he was back there..
i thought i might never feel anything anymore..
Yet, funny how it still touched me..
Had i not set my heart on things more physical, i might have waited..
I told myself again and again i am far off better without him but deep in my heart, a space carved out for him still resides there..
i had been trying to bury this part of my history into the deepest caverns in my soul but somehow these few days it starts to emerge again..
i cant understand why..
He is far beyond where i can reach..
He is all the way across the oceans in another continent..
i sometimes ponder upon the very reasons i had resentments on him..
the fact that i spent so much on him, the fact that i wasted so much time on him..
But all other reasons had prompted me to..
and when i looked back, the very huge reason was love..
i was madly in love with him ..
He was the first person that i could somehow feel so comfortable to be with..
A guy who knows his way around the house
Though he might not be as ambitious as what i see in other guys, the very fact that he was more laidback enticed me..
i sometimes wonder why i let it all go and settle for an infatuation which turned out to be even more sinful?
as much as i said i had let it all go, the very fact that just an sms still put my heart on such a tender mode just made me wonder if i ever will..
i always thought i will never really put myself in such a way for any other guys was due to the fact that i am just not interested but when i think about it now...i know he still has a soft spot in my heart...
and it is so weird to declare, but in this safe mode where nobody knows who i am at all..i can clearly say i miss him still..
despite the fact that we have no communications face to face for two years..
despite the fact that i have dated so many other guys..
despite the fact that i wanted so many other things in life,
i somehow still long for him..
i somehow still hope one day we can meet..
i know it's impossible but who knows..

I pray my Father..
to take away any of these feelings if i shall see him no more
i pray my Lord to set me free from these emotions if He's not the one from you
I pray Prince of Heaven for the rightful guy in your time if ever you want marriage to be a part of my life..
i surrender everything to you my Lord
i don't want to wish and dream and hold on to my selfish desires but i want you to be Lord of my life, King of my soul..
i know that if it's your will for me to be reunited with him somehow, you will see that it happens...i leave all these into your hands my papa..
i love u and i need you..
bless me Father..

nostalsia strikes sometimes

Listening to All for you by deepside...
i am reminiscing again...nostalgia strikes sometimes..
though free and single, i sometimes feel i js want someone by my side js to call me baby or hold me tight to sleep
i miss those times though i keep telling myself again and again, i am far better off without him.
he was one person i could really click, he was sweet, humble and someone who can set aside his racial issues and come mingle with my friends and i with his ..
after so long and after so many guys, he is one i shall always remember..i do not why
i know God has set me free from him he was not the right one.
i know im free from all this chains that were holding me uptight but still sometimes,this human flesh longs to go back to the old times..
whay am i saying all this?
i should be happy that i am free from all this unnecessary hassles and troubles. im stress free when it comes to guys..yea definitely...
and there's this guy who has been pursuing me since last year...
i like talking to him but ijust cant accept the fact that he's not on the good looking side..yea i can be a bit shallow and maybe i tend to compare to my previous guys...sigh......
what am i to do? but everytime i listen to the songs he sent me and talk virtually to him online, he can be quite appealing.
but i am quite tired of party guys and all ths..
i am torn apart...part of me feels like i js want to settle down and another side of me js wanna have flings..
deep inside, i wish i can have someone so cool and laidback yet ambitious and at the same time, loves God so much and a crazy catholic as well...someone similar to me but more responsible..
God, am i asking too much?
are the standards am setting far too high?
i believe there is not one tree only in this world but the whole forest is awaiting..y should i settle for less when i can have the best?
yes my Lord. i shall wait...
Flee me from the guys that u dont want me having and oh...that i may change my values and mould them closer to yours...
Papa...i am scared but i know you are there for me, i shall not look back.
this is a new life and i shall press on
Yes i shall...

My first time

This is my first ever anonymous blog..
I am just a normal person living in a developing nation but somehow crowded with so much complexities that i've decided to write in...
i am brought up in a decent catholic family, though with a complicated background that
many will never comprehend
Painful most times to even think about it, i can never even talk about it to anyone
it is a burden i have decided to carry
however the Lord always weave beautiful things from the shameful, sinful repentants
This will be my cavern, a place i will express my innermost thoughts and desires where many will never even know the existence of me...a fallen angel...