The Memory Keeper's Daughter

i just finished reading the memory keeper's daughter...
David died with a secret kept within him all his life, even till his deathbed..
i feel like him, carrying this secret with me, unable to tell anyone.
Sometimes the past haunts me and i don't dare to even think what will happen if anyone ever find out...
Even those whoknows just buries them back to the earth and never to be recovered again...
It must have been painful for her..
It must have been horrifyingly dreadful for her..
i cannot bear the thought of getting so close to anyone that i will be tempted to leak it out..
Anyone can talk, anyone can blabber
i remembered a teacher once told me, u have a cross to carry...
I wasnt quite sure what she was talking about but i kinda undestood now..
It striked me as clear as anything...
How i feel the pain and grief of the broken ones..
How i feel the pain of the lost soulS?

Just last2 nights, i was crying, crying and crying...
It was like i was mourning for the non existence dad, the fact i was a forbidden child, a child that has a father that is not supposed to be known to the world..i do not even dare to utter what he is or who he is...it is a dark secret that none shallever find out
i was mourning like a kid ...i was weeping like i needed some milk
i was crying and crying
but the Lord knows...
He feels my pain
He feels my guilt
He feels my longings
He spoke to me even before i asked..
He told me...to me n thru my sister..."Weeping endures only for a night, but joy comes in the morning"
and then i know everything shall pass...
I shall no longer weep
I shall no longer hunger and thirst
For my God is with me ALL THE TIME..
i can feel him watching over me as i sit her and type..
i feel like a kid that playing with her daddy watching over her...
i feel like a new bride with her newly wed husband protecting her...
That is the beauty of my God
and then i realise, the beauty of my brokenness...
He will never forsake me ...
I know that...and i can feel the peace that holds ...
I can feel his words coming alive ...the bible are his words..the bible is the memory keeper...
I am th memory keeper's daughter...

Will i ever?

Growing up without him, it feels almost natural not to feel his existence at all but little did i know his nonexistence in my life has contributed to so many loopholes, heartaches and misbehaviours.
Majority of my mindset is largely due to the influence that the very fact that he is never there and will never be...
It wasn't easy
I have practically lived all my life living as if i never knew him and would never want to though i know deep inside, i do long to at least see him or embrace him..
i must say i am so thankful and blessed to have so many people showering me with love that i can never comprehend yet part of me feels that part will never be reached.
Though i tell myself again and again, that part is healed yet it resurfaces every time...
It creeps up again and again whenever i think of me
To the outside world, i am but a happy chirpy blur bubbly girl but deep down, whenever im in closed doors, i am a confused soul living in tears..
I want to just move on and dance away from the wall but i can't ..
I feel her pain and i feel the burden of her cross not bearing just one but the two of us...
It is so heavy
i feel obliged
i feel like such a burden
i feel like an accident yet God is so GOOD to me
Yet i run and run all the time..
Will i ever meet him?
He is far beyond ordinary people's reach..
Perhaps i shall meet him in heaven some day
i don't know
I wouldn't know how to react
I don't want to hurt her by meeting him
i love her so much
She has given so so much for me
Yet a small part just wish i can call Papa...