Growing up without him, it feels almost natural not to feel his existence at all but little did i know his nonexistence in my life has contributed to so many loopholes, heartaches and misbehaviours.
Majority of my mindset is largely due to the influence that the very fact that he is never there and will never be...
It wasn't easy
I have practically lived all my life living as if i never knew him and would never want to though i know deep inside, i do long to at least see him or embrace him..
i must say i am so thankful and blessed to have so many people showering me with love that i can never comprehend yet part of me feels that part will never be reached.
Though i tell myself again and again, that part is healed yet it resurfaces every time...
It creeps up again and again whenever i think of me
To the outside world, i am but a happy chirpy blur bubbly girl but deep down, whenever im in closed doors, i am a confused soul living in tears..
I want to just move on and dance away from the wall but i can't ..
I feel her pain and i feel the burden of her cross not bearing just one but the two of us...
It is so heavy
i feel obliged
i feel like such a burden
i feel like an accident yet God is so GOOD to me
Yet i run and run all the time..
Will i ever meet him?
He is far beyond ordinary people's reach..
Perhaps i shall meet him in heaven some day
i don't know
I wouldn't know how to react
I don't want to hurt her by meeting him
i love her so much
She has given so so much for me
Yet a small part just wish i can call Papa...
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